Should I stay or Should I go?

Should I stay or Should I go?

The question everyone asks prior to leaving!

This is a question I get asked from many of my clients. Unfortunately it’s a question that only they can answer. Its my job to support them before, during and after the decision not make that decision for them.

This isn’t about blaming your partner or taking on all the blame yourself, it’s about going ‘within’ and recognising that we are all responsible for our own happiness, it takes courage to recognise that it’s up to you, not your partner to take responsibility for your happiness.

You need to be honest with yourself and ask, “have I been showing up as me in this relationship?” Change is inevitable, who you were when you first met, while in the ‘honeymoon phase’ will not be who you are today.

It’s important to recognise that as humans we grow, sometimes that means we grow apart from our partner.

Here’s a few questions to ask yourself when making that decision:

  • First and foremost – are you safe? If you are in an abusive relationship, whether physical, emotional, or mentally, you need leave and seek support
  • Do your values align?
  • Are they controlling you – do they tell you what to do, what to wear or who you can ‘hang out’ with?
  • Does your partner humiliate you in front of other people?
  • Do you trust your partner?
  • Can you see a future with this person?
  • And ask yourself, “am I showing up as me?”

Ultimately when the question “should I go?” turns into a statement “I must go” – it’s a decision that takes immense courage, self-belief and inner strength. It’s a question that I hope you don’t have to ever make – People change, life changes

Only you can answer the question

Only you can make that decision

Be true to you

Always remember…..your future is your choice

If one or more of these questions resonate with you, feel free to reach out

 

Change Your Story – Change Your Life

Change Your Story – Change Your Life

ITS TIME TO RE-WRITE YOUR STORY

 

When I became a sole parent, in my mind I was a ‘single mum’. And being a ‘single mum’, had certain ‘rules or beliefs’ that had to be followed. It was a story that I told myself.

Here are a few of these ‘rules’ I thought I had to adhere to:

  • As a single mum you have to  struggle financially
  • I can only work part time (even if that’s 3-4 different part time jobs)
  • Single mums are always in debt because we don’t want our kids to miss out on anything
  • I will be single for the rest of my life because no man wants to take on 3 kids that aren’t his own

Guess what …… These aren’t actually rules!!

There are no ‘rules’ to be a single mum

These were my perceptions of a sole parent, they were limiting beliefs that I had.

A limiting belief or a ‘rule’ that I unconsciously accepted as the truth.

I had made these beliefs my rules because growing up the single parents I knew ‘appeared’ to struggle financially, they worked part-time and ‘appeared’ to be always in debt.

So I made that my story…….until I didn’t. I decided to change my story.

The key to changing your story is to change your behaviour.

But to change your behaviour you have to change your belief, you have to recognise that your story is just a limiting belief.

The good news is a limiting belief can be changed and so can your story.

Here’s my new story

  • I am financially independant
  • I no longer work part-time, in fact I don’t work full time, I work for myself
  •  I am debt free
  • Im single because I choose to be

I rewrote my story and not only was it was the most empowering thing Ive ever done, it has changed my life forever, which in turn has change the life of my children. They now know that you can write your own story.

The only difference between my two stories is my perception of life as a sole parent.

Is it time you changed your story? Let me know when you’re ready and I’ll show you how.

Boundaries Are For Adults Too

Boundaries Are For Adults Too

Why should you set boundaries?

Setting boundaries are about people respecting you and your wishes. Boundaries can be set for both children and adults. Creating boundaries and sticking to them helps to build your self-resect.

Healthy boundaries helps you focus on what you can control. They can be both negotiable boundaries and non-negotiable and need to be set for several areas of your life.

Your boundaries are going to be different to other people’s boundaries because everyone’s situation is unique. What may work for you might be a disaster for others. You need to follow your gut about what will be best for you, your mental health and wellbeing.

Adults Boundaries

As adults we need to set boundaries around communication.

Boundaries help people keep their relationship healthy and intact. Once it feels off-balance to either person, it may mean someone has overstepped the boundary. Making your boundaries known with clear, assertive communication leaves little room for guessing or assuming and little opportunity for negative feelings between people who care about each other. A healthy relationship and friendship will respect and welcome these boundaries.

As parents its important to set boundaries with your own parents. Sometimes they can be quite (lovingly) vocal about the way you choose to bring up your children or how you live your life. It can feel uncomfortable to set boundaries and start telling your parents how you want to be treated and or what advice you choose to take from them, you need to be clear about whats off limits.

Boundaries are especially important if you are going through a breakup or separation and even more so if there are children involved in that separation.

If communication with your former spouse is not positive or it’s not benefiting you in any way, then you need to set firm boundaries around what communication will look like going forward and stick to those boundaries, these are the non-negotiable boundaries.

Children’s Boundaries

Being consistent with routines and boundaries regarding the care of the children, pickup and drop-off times and locations will help the kids to feel secure and better cope with all the changes that are happening in their lives.

Children learn about boundaries from an early age, we just didn’t call them that when we were growing up. They are things like: bedtime routines, walking home from school, doing your homework and when you’re a little older, what time you have to be home after an afternoon or night out, these are boundaries that can be negotiable (or not).

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries for behaviour in your home. It’s important that you clearly communicate your expectations to your children. Make sure that these expectations are reasonable and that you are comfortable with them, this will increase the chances that your children will also be comfortable with them.

Boundaries need no justification. They are the standards you’ve chosen to live by, so don’t live your life according to someone else’s standards.

Do you set boundaries and stick to them?

Are You Saying Goodbye or Good Riddance to 2020?

Are You Saying Goodbye or Good Riddance to 2020?

WE DID IT – WE GOT THROUGH IT!!

 

And what a year it was!

As we say goodbye to 2020, I can’t help but reflect on all the changes it has brought, not only in my life but the life of my family and my clients.

From a personal view my life has had many changes. I found working from home brought me a sense of freedom, which is quite ironic considering we were in lockdown for over 5 months, many of these months we couldn’t go beyond a 5km radius and no more than 1 hour outside per day.

However, it allowed me to think outside the box and realise what I was actually able to accomplish while working from home. As of December 18th 2020, I left my full time employment to work in my business, coaching and mentoring women going through separation and divorce, this may never have happened if it wasn’t for covid-19.

I know I’m one of the lucky ones. This year has brought destruction to many relationships. Some that were already on shaky ground but others that were ‘solid’.

One of my clients was married for eight and a half years. Before covid-19 hit the thought of divorce never entered her mind, but during the lockdown the marriage broke down. The stress of both of them working in the same space, seeing each other 24/7 with no break and no ‘distractions’ of other people, whether it be extended family coming over or a catch up at the local bar or coffee shop with friends, these things couldn’t happen. The stress of it all just built up.

In the US a major family law firm announced a 34% increase in divorce enquiries. China and Sweden showed similar patterns while a leading British family law firm logged a 122% increase in enquiries between July and October compared to the same time last year.

A study by Relationships Australia into the impact of Covid-19 found that 42% of people had experienced a negative change in their relationship and 55% felt challenged by their living arrangement.

The reasons for the breakups haven’t changed, financial stress and ‘cheating’ are still the two most common factors of a breakup. However, since everyone is home disagreements about parenting, home-schooling and who does what household chores have put additional stress on relationships.

It’s important to know that when you are going through the throes of a separation, you are not alone! There are people and organisations that can help you. Whether it be to advise you on the next steps to take and ‘hold your hand’ through the process or someone to listen to you without judgement.

No matter what 2020 brought into your life, know that you have become more resilient, stronger and you are ready to face 2021 and ‘smash out’ your goals with the tools and lessons you have learnt this challenging year.

Whats the lesson that 2020 has taught you?

 

Forgiveness Sets You Free

Forgiveness Sets You Free

Do You Want To Be Free?

 

Free of anger and bitterness that is eating away at you.

 

Free of hurt and resentment that is causing stress in your body.

 

If you answered YES, then you need to forgive because forgiveness sets you free!

 

Forgive the person who wronged you!

By holding onto and reliving your anger and hurt, bitterness and resentment you are giving up your power to the person who wronged you and by re-living the wrong that was done to you, you are living in the past therefore unable to move forward and live the life you are meant to live.

Forgiveness lets you regain your personal power and regain control of your life.

Forgiving can be hard, heres a few tips to help you:

  1.  You can talk to a friend or life coach who will support you without judgment.
  2. Write in your journal, release the negative emotions from your body.
  3.  Understand your feelings and express them so you feel heard
  4. Forgive yourself for your contribution to what happened so you can move on.
  5.  Leave it in the past don’t dwell on it.
  6.  Find the beauty in your present life.

Forgiving the person that wronged you is one thing but what happens if you were the one who committed the ‘offence’? You were the one who ‘wronged’ someone else?

The Key is owning up to your mistakes, understand why or how they occurred, and then rectifying the situation and make it right. Once that is done, its important to then put the past behind you so you can move on. Accept what has happened and show yourself compassion.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciling! You don’t actually have to tell the person who wronged you that you forgive them. Forgiveness is for you and you alone.

Forgiveness is the beginning of the healing process.
Stress  During  Separation/Divorce

Stress During Separation/Divorce

Separation and divorce was one of the most stressful times of my life. I was putting on a ‘brave face’ but inside I was feeling vulnerable, confused, riddled with self-doubt and shattered. I didn’t know who to turn to for advice, who I could trust with my legal and financial worries and who I could talk to without burdening them with my ‘troubles’.

Don’t get me wrong, I had plenty of family and friends who were there to support me when I fell (and I did a number of times). But I had no-one to guide me through the process, to hold my hand and tell me that it’ll be ok, I needed someone who had been through it and completely and wholeheartedly understood the turmoil I was feeling, someone to assure me that what I was feeling was ‘normal’ for what I was going through. I needed to be validated.

During this turbulent time my brother gifted me a meditation retreat to Byron Bay. It was the weekend that changed my life forever.  I was able to navigate my way through the rest of my separation and divorce with my sanity intact because of my daily meditation and mindfulness practice.

I have made it my mission to support women going through the throes of separation and divorce to guide them on the steps to take and to help them navigate their way out of the fog.

12 week program

My program will give you the clarity you are looking for and the support and certainty that you long for.  This step by step program will give you tools you need to confidently move forward with your life.

Together we can do this.

P – Purpose. Where are you now, where do you want to be in 6 months, 12 months and 5 years time.

O – Optimise your resources. A list of trusted financial and legal professionals to help guide you to into your future.

W – Well-being – mental health,meditation and mindful techniques will help you get though the days.

E – Energise, the importance of physical health and nutrition for both your mental and physical wellbeing.

R – Rediscover you – a full day workshop on personal development and a magical makeover to complete the journey.

For further information on this 12 week program contact Gabby on [email protected]

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